THE CRUSHING
Dear Beloved,
I fear I may already be dead
deep, dark anxiety reaching at me
even now
My comfort, if any,
is in your knowing
is in my remembering
your arms cradling me
in my anguish
yesterday your lips caressing me
Separated soon by a stone
by thickened walls
locked away
padlocked
I trust you still perceive
what has caught me
Wearied by intensity
where is the safer ground?
blood waters are rising
At any moment I may breathe my last
then what?
why this desire to go on living?
life seems so precious
the gifts and blessings so dear
My children
no greater joys could there be
your curiosity
your quizzing
your doggedness
I think of your steadfastness
and your laughter
always your laughter
Everything I know
all the worldly things around me say life is a gift
don't lose it
cling to it
But I know that without losing, one cannot gain
If I seek to hold on,
life itself will be lost!
Numbed, I think the unthinkable
bring the undreamable instead
I say to myself, "man, are you dead?"
My tongue stops
No more words
Is it dead, too?
No tears, no feeling
Not dead, but basking in it,
in death
No! Wrong! Not yet death
only deadness
deadness is calm, quiet, still
a body that has gone limp
Death is dark and horrible
grasping upward to devour
there is a difference
Deadness can be good
like the eye of the hurricane
(oh no, I'm only halfway there)
I have yet to come through the other side
my breathing deepens as I brace myself
Deadness is not death
Dear Beloved,
Life is good
A gift from God
A gift with you and my children in it
If I can die so easily in my mind?
What does that say?
Turmoil of emotions, I cannot live with
They overcome me and swallow me up
not deadness
but death itself
ugly and evil
Even if death in love has no sting
it is ugly and dreadful
the unrelenting howl of fury
I long for the comfort and calm of deadness
the aftermath of a hurricane
devastation and debris all about
the return to serenity
relaxed deadness
Again I hear the call to die
“Unless a grain of wheat fall into the ground and die …”
The question they put to us is the wrong one
“Why do you so want to go on living?”
many reasons
Grasp instead my reasons for laying it all down
In dying I may gift you
Gethsemane is not an easy place to be
If only this cup were lifted from me
Our world teaches a lie
cling to life, they say
embrace your death, says God
I must die
volitionally
spiritually
symbolically, of course
but even more?
literally?
What are my reasons to go on living?
that's easy
that's selfish
What am I willing to die for?
that's hard
that’s hell
or…
that's heaven
“to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause”
You held me yesterday and prayed for me
keeping me from the abyss
but now I must to peer into Sheol
walk through the valley of the shadow of death
where evil leers and looms all around
Stay by me, Beloved,
hold my hand as I end
I do this for love
no guarantees that it isn't all a hoax
rather by faith
I will go down in order that I might lift
the gift of you
I will present you to myself as a radiant and beautiful bride
because I choose so
And forgive me
for the fear and sorrow this may cause you
for choosing sacrifice
for my death inflicted on you
for your nearness
as the dark overtakes me
it overwhelms you
yours is perhaps the more difficult duty
at the cross
weeping
after the cross
holding a chilled, limp body
But trust that I will not leave you alone
my peace I give to you
You're wondering, "what is he saying?"
it’s cruel to opt for such
what’s the purpose?
pursuing needless pain and grief
As I succumb under many faults and failures
trust God
His peace
His Comforter
These thoughts are cryptic
who knows how they will be fulfilled?
I love you, my Beloved,
long, steady, true, committed
eternal
extending beyond
Duration on earth is fleeting
Briefly you have me
But you shall be whole
Stay by me
Do not be afraid
© 2025, David B. Roberts